I can't remember exactly when it was, but at some point in my pre-teen years, I distinctly remember telling my mother that I would do better than she ever had with me. At the time, I thought I meant going on to a four year (or more) college, and making something better out of myself. Being financially stable before I ever had a family.
When I was little, I felt like I came in lowest on the totem pole, and no matter what I said or did, it wouldn't be any different. I love my mother dearly, but it was so very hard on my esteem to watch her put the needs of herself and others before me on a constant basis. I do give her credit though, I'm sure it was hard to be a single parent. But a lot of the time, I felt like it was grandparents raising me, not her.
My mother worked a lot. And it seemed like when she was home, she was with her boyfriend at the time. If she was home, he was there too. I didn't like him. And I'm pretty sure I made that known. Later down the line, there was another boyfriend that I didn't like. Both of them ended up being some of the biggest jerks on the planet.
My Mom finally found a nice guy and married him, but we still didn't get a long well. And that continued until I moved out of the house. Our personalities really clashed under one roof. But once there was some distance between us, things got a lot better.
I went to college, but I couldn't settle on what I wanted to do. Since I graduated high school in 2005, I've only finished 4 or 5 semesters. I realized a college degree wasn't in my immediate future, and that was okay with me.
This brings me back to my first statement. When my husband I first started trying to have a baby, I knew what I had to do. I was going to do whatever it took, make any sacrifice needed to stay home with my daughter. I wasn't going to miss her growing up. Or the concerts and plays that come with school. I knew the best thing I could do for my daughter, was to be there for her. Not at work. I'm in no way saying anything negative about Mothers that work out of the home, just that it isn't for me.
I take a look at my daughter and all the love I feel brings me to tears. I was wrong before. It wasn't a college degree or a financially stable job that would be what made me feel better. It was having this little girl, and being here every moment of every day for her.
*I just wanted to add that I'm not bash my mother either. After I moved out, our relationship improved in leaps. And she is such a grandmother to our Lovebug*
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My mother was happiest when she was home with my brother and me as children. We were happiest too. When she went to work I know he felt neglected, and I was often left home alone for hours. She didn't know this. She assumed my brother was home watching me, but he was usually gone with friends. So I too am giving up the fiscally forward moving opportunities which wouldn't really change our financial situation once daycare was covered, and making sure my kids know that I'm here for them by being here for them. It was so hard to have DD be passed around from family member to family member so that I could work and finish college. I'm glad to be able to be home with her now.
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